my 9/11/12 devotional with my children

My 9/11/2012 devotional with my children

Despite sounding like a man when I talked to them in which they love teasing me about, I was able to teach my kids thru 9/11 an evangelism lesson....really bringing it close to home....to their world. Sad part is, many of them at their age do not really know what happened that day outside "media". Many do not care. Hearing my kids talk about the moment of silence today, most kids giggled during it, teachers did nothing! What an opportunity I took with my kids. I was not going to waste it. Why do we still talk about it??? Freedom! I told my kids, do you not understand what happened that day really? They said no! We see pics, but we were 1&3. So I told them....then without thinking said this...as those people jumped because those flames are so hot, do you have friends that are not saved? They said yes. I want you to think about this...picture them. Those flames were hot, but HELL will be much hotter. Ya know, sometimes, we go about our day and forget that we may be the only people our friends come in contact with, or even a store cashier, a teacher.....and we need to live our lives differently....set apart. That does not mean we are perfect, just forgiven.  We may be the only light they see leading them to the only hand that can save them from flames that will be hotter then those of the burning flames that were in the world trade centers that day and I can only imagine how hot they were.  Why do you think Mom is taking her involvement in I am Second so seriously, or in just making a difference in home, with you?  I care so much about you both, about others and I want to make a difference so that if nothing else, others will at least know there is something different about me, God.  Katelyn, Karsten, I want you to Love God with all your heart and I want and know God has something wonderful planned for you. Just trust him with your life.  Katelyn, you told me tonight you want to go to other countries and make a difference, and money does not matter to you, you just want to go, reach others for Christ, and working with kids in other countries....I believe you can, but trust God, let him lead your life.  Karsten, God has plans for you too....just trust him.  But as Americans, yes we do need to help other countries. With our service of aide in times of trouble, and we need to pray for Godly leaders for this country who make Godly decisions....it is imperative! Yes Katelyn, most Americans are richer than they care to admit and we waste so much....and don't even see it.  We need to take care of families but we need to stop being so wasteful and that starts from top down in our government and yes, even our homes and that includes your mom.  Quite a 9/11 devotional huh?

TWO WEEKS!!!!! How I am making it.......

Well.....I have officially made it. Two weeks pain med free!  Not easy.  I guess I am determined.  Someone once told me if anyone can do it you can because when you make up your mind to do something you do it. Well, was hard at first but when it clicked, it clicked!!  I will always be what is considered an "addict" but I have a choice. I can break the chain that holds me to that addiction or I can stay attached.  Funny as I think about Thursday nights IOP.  I believe that yes, to an extent addiction can be a hereditary disease, but I believe through Christ it is one that can be broken!!  Hearing doctors excuse it just kind of frustrated me.  Addiction is like divorce to me.  You have a choice.  Just because your parents divorced does not mean you have to. Just because your parents might have been an addict of alcohol or drugs does not mean you will, but see I think we find so many ways to excuse everything today. Sweep it under the carpet. See yes there are genes that carry addiction on in the hereditary line, but they are not strong genes.  Culture, lifestyle, and what we teach at home is what will influence our children, that is what will carry on.  They are stronger influences in our lives.  Yes, I divorced, does it make it right? The cycle can be broken....based on what I teach my children, by what they see in the Bible.  No more excuses. I have struggled a lot of my adult life with my addictions, but I am learning that to conquer them I must daily surrender myself to someone who I gave my life to when I accepted him as my Lord and Savior.   God is my strength.

I am so happy again....living again. I am singing again....and I am also starting to think of my future again. I had given up for a while.  I am thinking that I may go to school online. Not sure which college yet, but I am truly thinking after these next few neuro check ups and MRI's maybe it is time to at least see what I can do with my life. See what God has for me.....my life is in his hands.

My thoughts.....Saturday 2/11/12

Been quite a week! Never dull or lacking for something to do. I was sick for part of the week which did not make it fun, but antibiotics seem to help.  Life is keeping me on my feet!!!  I have pain, but somehow, I am fighting thru it, and making it.  Getting casted for two new braces for my feet yesterday I was reminded of all the casts I have had and it is just not a fun feeling. Those scissors pressing on screw heads as they cut the casts off. Yet, it was a reminder of how far I have come. These new braces hopefully will help with my feet stability.  They will also fit in my shoes and not be boots!!  Apparently the only place I have lost weight is in my feet! Seriously, they do not swell like they did a year ago. They still swell at times, but they are better now. With being on my feet more hopefully weight loss will follow elsewhere. I am hardly in the chair unless I have to because in the wheelchair van it is a rule.  If an aide takes me we take the cane and my chair.  I do take my chair if Dartmouth is a 12 hour day, then it is tiring and the chair is needed. But I make every effort to walk. I have been doing alot of reading and soul searching about my chiari and syrinx.  With them it is a strong possibility to end up in a chair at some point in life and it could ultimately be permanent. So until then, I am going to do everything in my power to live life, fill my world with everything I possibly can!  I am by no means done living.  I think thru my addiction, frustration, and with depression gave up a little. No more.  I am not giving up!  Last use of oxy was on 1/29/12. That was just shy of two weeks ago.  I turned in all my pain meds just a day or two after that....even those that were not narcotic pain meds. The only meds I take are those for my neurological meds, or allergies.  Pain is hard at times, I wont lie.  When it gets hard, I put my headphones on, to drown out the world, find a quiet place, and pray, listen to music and wait for the worst to pass. It does. It was hard at first.  I never thought that would work.  
This week as crazy as it has been has taught me that living is fun. Laughing, smiling, being with people, I realized how much I have missed that!!!  Not every day will be easy, but I am learning that those good days, take them and go. The hard ones, lean on God. He is there.  Two verses that continuously fall in my mind each day are Eph 6:10-11 and Phil 4:13

Day 9....med free

Well.....today is day 9. No pain meds of any kind. Hard.  But I am okay.  I am trying really hard to learn new ways to deal w pain.  I am learning that living life w freedom from meds is a lot better than living life w the addiction the meds bring.  Today....I got up, made cookie batter. Got ready and went to ladies Bible study.  Then I came home, made the cookies, immediately left and brought them where they needed to be and did errands.  Came home and did dishes. Now resting. That was probably a little more than planned.....but I did accomplish one thing....I made cookies!!!!!  I have not done that in a while.  I got to bring them to the office I have not in a long time. So that is cool.  I did without the aid of meds. I also did today walking w a cane, no chair. That is also an accomplishment.  I might feel this tomorrow, but I have down day so that is okay.  I am learning just disappearing to music is such a neat thing when in pain....just dim the lights, play my music, pray, read and for the most part it does help.  Life has to consist of something more than being bound by an addiction.  I also opted to not go the route that requires them putting me on meds that will also or can also cause addiction to get me away from what I have been addicted to for pain.  I rather not. I know I can do this without them. It makes no sense to take another addicting med.  I think I just determined in my mind that I can do this. I don't want to go back to how I was before. I felt isolated inside myself. Now I feel like I am emerging again. Coming out of a shell that I had locked myself inside of for so long.  So now it is time to fly! I know I will battle this fight for life but I know there is so much more left in life for me to live, experience and so much more I can do for others!

As far as IOP last night they noticed I looked happier. I am! I am just learning as I go it is day by day and moment by moment.  But I love living again. Feeling again. Ya I have to face things I did not want to before, but that is okay. I am able to now. I am ready. So ..... tonight now that I have had a busy day and hopefully cookies were a success,  I am going to call it a day and get ready for tomorrow! IOP tomorrow night!!!

Super-superbowl Sunday.....2/5/12-2/6/12AM

Well.....been 7 days with no slip ups. 6 days with no pain meds at all. So how do I feel? Ya know, it is kinda  a funny thing. I feel like my mind is sooooo much clearer, but I am noticing where I have the physical pain.  Trying to learn my limitations, my where I need to stop before I have hit the too much button.  I hate pain.  I am not a whimp per se, just rather not feel things like this in my body! But I went to church today, no chair. I went with a cane....like a weeble that wobbles but luckily it is a big church so there is either a wall or a person right there to grab if I wobble to far. I kinda felt good too because katelyn gave me the greatest compliment. She said, "Mom you look beautiful! you have not dressed like that in a long time!". Wow! I did not know what to think, I mean I still had my orthotics on and everything, but I made the best of the situation and decided to care how I look and present myself. 

You see, it started with transforming my heart inside. I had to realize that I could be beautiful still.  I am not talking about the modern society barbie doll beautiful.  I am talking about beautiful inside the heart.  I have held inside for so long so many different feelings and now they are all letting go.  I am still fragile you could say, cry easy but ya know for the first time in a long time I am starting to believe that I really will be okay. I have not been able to say that for a long time. I am starting to allow friends back in my world, to realize that to love others properly, you have to care about who you are and yes, love yourself but not to the point of the conceited love, I am talking the loving who I am because of the fact I am a child of God.  I am even finding the singing voice I had buried deep inside...that melody that comes from deep within....a gift God gave me.

I know I will have good and bad days.  The more I do, the more pain I have.  But, I have to live.  Even when the Pats don't win the superbowl. Sigh. LOL. 

Today is day 8....and I am in so much pain physically, but mentally I am good.  So my plans to bake may be on hold as typing is even painful, and I have IOP later, but I am taking it one day at time, one moment at a time. Why worry when you do not need to?

My recovery. What does it mean?

What does my recovery mean to me?  How strong am I?  Sometimes I am so terrified of failing. Sometimes of real pain.  At this point I am still trying to sort....do I hurt cause it hurts inside or am I hurting cause physically my body had learned how to depend on those meds?  Am I using them to cover up?  So now what?  I know they talk about meds they can give to help with cravings, and with withdrawals but I have to be honest.  For the first time today I was reading about them and they too are the same kind of meds they want me off but supposedly with less "withdrawal" symptoms later on so that is why they ask people to go on them. So, dilemna. The brain side that says ooooooh meds like that great says go for it, but now without narcotics on board, I am thinking with my own mind and that side says I am not so sure that is wise.  I think I agree with Doc G once again....best to go without anything???? Time to test my inner strength. Where does it lie?  Do I really trust God?  I gave him this addiction, now I need to let him perform his work in my life as he transforms me and grows me into the woman he wants me to be. THAT IS NOT EASY TO JUST STOP so I want to say that now. Days that I am having a hard time I need to learn better outlets of "wanting to hide", or days I am in REAL physical pain, well, they will happen and I guess it is going to have to be one day at a time.  But one verse that I have claimed this week is I can do ALL things thru Christ that strengthens me. So that must mean this too. Do I believe that verse?  As my feet hit the floor in the morning the one thing I do first is say that verse and say okay....it is you and me, lets go together. Thank you for today.  Never forget to just be thankful for today.  I have a lot of hurts from my past to deal with, and a lot that God and I have to work on together in me, but the Lord is working in me and I am slowly learning to forgive myself for this. I was on a destructive path. It was not going to go well. I could have run to other things like alcohol, or gone to the street and there were times at first I thought of that, but I thought of my kids, the encouragement I received from my doc g, and I also thought of what my salvation meant to me and it brought me to the cross.
I crave the meds everyday so it is a challenge I don't want to put that lightly, but I am taking the wobbly baby steps I need to move. I have chosen my path and I don't change my mind. Well unless it is about my clothes.  Which by the way.....no more pj's everyday. I get dressed! I got my hair done for first time since  brain surgery last April.  It is time for change. Time to wake up!!!!  Time to LIVE!  Time to learn to sing or well find my voice again. Been awhile since I have sang.....it is time.  God gave me that gift!!!  Wheelchair, cane, walker, orthotic shoes or braces....does not matter, not too much use of right arm....well that is hard since I am right handed, BUT STILL.....TIME TO LIVE ANYWAY!!!!!!!  Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you thus saith the Lord.

Values

My values. What do I value most in my life? I cherish my children and I see that also as the greatest need to improve and where I have failed the most.  I have not been the example or the mom they have needed.  I have let my selfish desires, my insecurities, my past haunt me to the point where I could not be the mom I needed to be and now, what do I do. Time to start really working hard on that area, searching the scripture, and really working hard to talk to them, and spend time with them, and teach them even thru pain, I can be a good mom.  Good health, I took that for granted and God showed me that guess what, I am taking it from you in some ways, now live with these reminders that health should never be taken for granted. So, here I am 4 years later still learning. To think.....what damage was all the meds doing on my body??  When I sat and apologized to Doc G that day I did not even realize the impact of his words on that this would be a life long journey and that with meds, anytime I am faced with these same meds I will have to be strong, because it will be easy to relapse. He was not kidding with the life long on any part but I dont know if he realized how much that statement would be realized!!! He told me this would be hard, but I could do it but......Holy cow! Some days I leave IOP feeling like I have been run over by a train going 100 mph.  But that is good. Then I have to think.  Do I want to stay in the vicious cycle I allowed or do I want to gain back the values of self respect, the values that I deserve to be loved so that I can love my children the way they deserve to be loved or am I just going to go thru this class and forget everything????  Lots of questions.....but I know the answer.  I must hold to the faith I know to be true....the faith that if God can forgive me and love me as I am, somehow I have to learn to forgive myself even if that takes time, and then I have to make changes and move forward. I am trying. There were a lot of things I have done I am not proud of in my last several years or past because of my addictions, and now they must stop.  ALL of them.  Any relationships that aide them, gone. Any people who won't support me, well, then they have to be gone too. This is my time to stand up and make the change I need.  The one thing I value most is learning to be the woman and mom that I can be, whether I am permanently disabled or not....I still have so much left to give even in a relationship, a good healthy one, I finally realize I deserve one.  What stands in my way, is myself, if I don't daily keep my focus on christ and draw on his strength and if allow my selfish insecurities of my past addictions to stay in my mind instead.