Jan 31, 2012 AM

So, after a night of sleep, a time of reflection this is what I come to realize. First and foremost I want to clarify this.....when I started the blogs at the beginning of the year I never thought they would go in a journal or personal from the heart life experience way.  I never thought I would share the way I do. Maybe it is easier this way in some regards.  I hate speaking in public.....sitting in an office talking about how I feel, just plain yuck! I hate it.  Many of the choices I have made over the years even thru college were made because I looked outward, my anorexia or alcohol in college years, my shopping addiction, had to have just the right amount of everything.....like two of each, or things have to match just so, patterns, my patterns so guess you could say obsessive compulsive but even with now my battle with my health and all the surgeries I have had, what may have started out as a chemical dependency on meds turned into a mental escape for me and that is even harder to combat because now what addiction do you turn to? OR do I truly start looking inward and start facing the real issues? See, I am not perfect. I look at those around me and in fact after church sunday it was so hard......I could not take it that is how I ended up just well messing up.....I went home and felt like I had been there and everyone else is perfect and I was not. Rough. We talked about relationships last night....they asked about what I would change about myself....and I had to say do you mean what I think I need to change or what others would say.  See it is often about perception. How we feel.  I am really working on fighting that inward desire to look at myself inside and hate what I see.....because there is more there, I was beat down for a long time not just by myself but by others....especially men and now I need to see the beauty others see and God sees. Not easy.  If someone told me I was ugly....I could believe that.  But if someone told me I was beautiful I would be like do you need glasses. Seriously. I am like in a chair or else w some walking device....ya....not your typical 39 year old.  But that is the outward!!!!!  So, how to make the outward thought process start to look and see how I am in inside.  What does God see in me?  Obviously he has not given up on me.  Do I have enough within myself to grab onto that and take hold of that faith and not give up too?  How can I forgive myself when I mess up? How do I find myself beautiful? Not talking outward....but inward? Anyone can smile.....but do people realize how many times my heart did not match it cause it just wanted to cry.  Right now, I am emotional. They say that is part of things too. They say everything gets easier.....ugh!  So, right now spiritually I want to be able to say I can take and consistently look inward at what God sees instead of outward and grow in faith realizing I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT NOR WILL ANYONE.  I need to be comfortable being around people right now though too....and that is hard. Not everyone knows what is going on...but some do.  Emotionally, I need to continue to have help with my therapists cause the cravings to hide myself, the cravings to run, find ways to hide are soooooooooo there and if not meds than find a way! Physically, God is the ultimate healer and I need to realize that I am only going to be as physically strong as he allows for it is for his purpose he has me this way but also because of how long I was on these meds than I also need to realize it is going to take time to see how I really am pain wise because the amounts, the dosages, were so masking things now we have to kind of let my body adjust but let me tell you ..... it hurts! So here it is. Open and honest.....

Jan 30 2012

Boy, IOP was hard today. Hate talking about relationships. They are not easy. Never have been. Also hard cause I know I messed up this weekend, my test results showed that. Physical pain, mental pain they are both tough. I think I have come to agree that physical pain is not worth with the narcotics, yet my body still is physically dependent on them, frankly, so is my mind. The battle is not easy but I will win in the end.  I know what I want the end result to be. The questions posed tonight truly made me think and made me think long and hard.  I think the hardest thing tonight is when we had to go around the room and say how we were feeling today and why and then what our test results are today and all. So frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I was doing so good and I got in so much pain and was mentally frustrated that I let go.......now, as they reminded me tomorrow is a new day just like today was. They are not sure what withdrawal meds still to start me on based on my case and my health, but they did prescribe a med for another issue.  Life always has challenges and has ups and downs like I am going to. Someone once told me it will be a lifelong battle and they were right. Tonight I was told that if I can make the 30 day mark I will be doing good.  The hard part is if I can eat, or sleep well......so that is the hope.....that part of withdrawal will go too.  I am trusting God in this ...... and I know he forgives even my slip ups.....now to learn to forgive myself and to learn to respect myself enough that I know I am worth something to this world....to my relationships.  Ya......so this is my feelings today.......and my physical pain is just frustrating....wish I could use my right arm right. So frustrating! Gonna have to make call to my ortho doc too.....trying not to be a pain!

Baby steps 1/27/12-1/29/12

This journey I have started to take is going to be long.  It will be hard.  It will not happen overnight. I am going forward. Taking my baby steps one days at a time.  There are times in the day that I barely make it thru the day without thinking about how I can hide and not have to face things. So I guess you could say I make a slow forward but it is forward. I am learning along my journey that I began to hide somehow behind my disability in the last few years.  I should have used it to grow from, but instead I ran, hid in a shell and locked my fears, my feelings of failures, of worries ..... just everything became closed and locked up. I found my escape.  I have to force myself right now to talk to people.  I rather be alone, and all by myself which is kind of not me, but I am overwhelmed by my feelings. I know many of my friends wonder how fast I can recover, but this will not be a quick recovery, this will take time.  I have a lot I kept hidden.  One thing I could say in advice is never hide how you feel.  Talk about it to someone.  Don't use things to hide how you feel.  My journey is mine alone.  No one can walk it for me.  I have to take it.  I have to walk it.  I know I neurologically will not be perfectly right for the rest of my life.   My right side seems to be the one affected most.  How am I going to deal with it?  I do not want to be like I am.  One thing though is hiding how you feel only causes more harm then good, I know that now.  I know too that I want to be the best I can be and there is more life left for me but my hiding is how I lost out on living.  I was asked friday by my PCP why I decided to finally get help.....I did not want to keep living like this.  I want to live.  I just need to figure out how now...what I can do.  I will always miss being an LNA because face it.....I loved being one and I was great at it, but there is still more left for me to be great at it....guess I just got scared.  I also too do not want to lose the respect of her, my family, my friends, I mean I had already stopped respecting myself, but I especially did not want to lose the respect, trust of the one doctor who for the last several years has meant more to me than he will ever know because of his care for me thru the years, and his concern for me for the road I was going.....it was that final push that just, I could not stay like I was. It was time for me to get help, to admit what was going on. See, I have a lot of doctors and specialists but he is the one doctor who knows me best, who has sat with me and we have had those open and honest talks, and basically you could say he "has my back" and I trust him more than any other doctor because of the relationship we have established over the years.  Now, I am on the hardest journey of my life and believe me it is one that I am not taking lightly. But I go forward....one day at a time, and the steps may seem wobbly and as baby steps at first, but if I am going forward, then I know I am going in the right direction.

What is my heart's foundation? 1/23/12

There are many times in life we find ourselves "broken" or stripped of all the walls, roof, nails and all that we might have built up so that we could be protected, where we allowed only windows so only glimpses of our heart could show.  A fake smile is easy to have, showing everything is okay. Sometimes God uses small things to break us, and sometimes he uses great big things.  Over the last few weeks, with what I am going thru, God has used it to break down the walls, taking away every wall I can hide behind and now I have to figure out how to deal with things. Means I have to be open about how I feel, how I hurt, and as I read in my Bible yesterday, all I could do was cling to the one foundation I know so well and that is God's grace, his mercy.  His forgiveness.  Like a parent with a child when they have done something wrong or you know something is bothering them but they are hiding, but you know it and you are just waiting for them to come to you, that is how it was for me.  God just wanted me to lay all my worries, my fears, my cares with him at the cross.  It does not mean I don't have them it just means I no longer carry them alone. My hiding how I felt about my disability and the frustration of all the feet surgeries, brain surgery, and just not getting as strong as I wanted, and not being able to live like I thought was best, or a "39" yr old should, just led to my problems, my hidden pain, issues.  But, my foundation was there, my heart may be in pieces with all the walls down, but this way ..... God can put me back together again.  I do not have to carry this alone and I can still be beautiful for God....no matter how I am........

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma, 
I am sorry. Please forgive me.  I became an LNA because of you, because you had faith that I would make a great one and I loved being one and I was so good at it. But trying to catch the Christmas tree in 08 I fell, and now I can no longer do that.  I have spent four years putting up walls, sheltering my heart, finding ways to protect me so that no one could hurt me cause I was hurting myself, and now I feel like I am letting you down even more cause I kinda gave up on life and you never gave up on anything.....you fought til you took your last breath!  You taught me to love football, thru your fear of thunderstorms I learned to love them!  Grandma, I am so thankful that I got to spend some of my college years with you. I carry your spirit with me always and hopefully will pass it on to my kids. I am sorry I gave up for a while on life, on allowing that deep living that I needed to find.....to still find me and realize my beauty inside.  Whatever I do from here on out Grandma, I carry your memories daily, your spirit as a part of me, and I will always care for those around me still even though I can no longer do it as I did, but in your honor I will do what I can.  I love you Grandma, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck! 


God can you please tell my Grandma that I love her and I am sorry.


Love Brenda

my teardrops--1/21/12

Softly falling down my cheeks as I read the sweet words of encouragement from my brother and my sister. There are days that tears are all I can give. Lord, if this is something that I need to go thru so that I can help someone else than Lord give me the strength, grace, wisdom and courage to face the road ahead. This is not what I intended for my life.  I had so many dreams, so many hopes.  I had a voice, a voice to sing.  Somewhere along the path, I lost it.  I forgot how to use it, forgot that God gave me my voice. I have no idea where to go from here, but tears seem to be the only thing that come.  Forgiveness.  How do I forgive myself?  I know God has forgiven me but I knew better, I knew the path I was going and yet, I wanted to keep hiding and just keep smiling to all and pretend I was okay, but life now forcing me to face things, and I am but it is a slow climb and it will take time....and honestly, no one knew I hurt.  I told no one until now. Now, I am trying to get my story out. Share my heart. Over the next few weeks and months I am beginning a journey...call it a lifelong long changing journey. I have to dig deep into the heart I so buried when I fell and let it break, a heart no doctor could fix, only God can. I need to just take this time and let love fill that part of life again. I have to take all these tears I am crying, and just pour them over into a river that flows out so far that I can feel life again, see that life is worth living even if I am slightly disabled. As I share my journal entries each day I hope that they will make a difference to someone and my prayer is that I will find my voice....the heart behind it so that I can once again sing that melody that flowed from inside me.

Jeremiah 29:11

Journal Entry....1/20/12 from my heart

What is inside my heart? For four years I have bottled up so many emotions, so many different thoughts that I hid and hid well, secrets.  Mine.  Now, my heart is so open, vulnerable, and just plain filled with hurt, anger, frustration, confusion and just so many overwhelming thoughts.  Thoughts of what do I do now.  Where do I go from here?  I feel like someone handed me something new and I am so overwhelmed....but what happened is I was forced to have to deal with all the thoughts and emotions that I hid so well for so long.  A big plateful.  I am scared, worried, and now I am just not sure the steps from here.  Everyone says "one day at a time". That is often easier said than done. Baby steps is more like it. I am like I am just trying to hold it together....be brave enough to do that! Brave enough to say that I can face just today. See, strength is not always easy when you have depleted all you have to just live already with a hidden "broken" heart. Now, over the last two weeks, I think the pain of what is inside so outweighs the physical pain I have.  I am just learning that I can be brave.  I just forgot how.  When I saved that Christmas tree as it fell in Jan of 08, I guess you could say it took my heart when it took my career.  I loved taking care of the elderly.  I loved being an LNA I was good at it.  6 surgeries on my ankles later, brain surgery, still lots of pain, and being told by my neurologist you are permanently disabled, well I guess at 39 it kinda takes the wind out of the sail and almost like takes life out of the heart.  I guess I gave up. Now, I have to be brave enough to start living again.  Start living life to the best I can.  I may have some permanent disability but I dont have to stop living anymore.  I see that now.  I let meds mask that.  Thought that was the answer.  It's not.  I am scared.  I have no idea what I can do or what God will lead me to do, but it is time I find out. Time to let go of the anger, the hurt, the fear and not let that one moment that has already stole 4 years steal anymore of my life. This is how I feel ....... today.