What does my recovery mean to me? How strong am I? Sometimes I am so terrified of failing. Sometimes of real pain. At this point I am still trying to sort....do I hurt cause it hurts inside or am I hurting cause physically my body had learned how to depend on those meds? Am I using them to cover up? So now what? I know they talk about meds they can give to help with cravings, and with withdrawals but I have to be honest. For the first time today I was reading about them and they too are the same kind of meds they want me off but supposedly with less "withdrawal" symptoms later on so that is why they ask people to go on them. So, dilemna. The brain side that says ooooooh meds like that great says go for it, but now without narcotics on board, I am thinking with my own mind and that side says I am not so sure that is wise. I think I agree with Doc G once again....best to go without anything???? Time to test my inner strength. Where does it lie? Do I really trust God? I gave him this addiction, now I need to let him perform his work in my life as he transforms me and grows me into the woman he wants me to be. THAT IS NOT EASY TO JUST STOP so I want to say that now. Days that I am having a hard time I need to learn better outlets of "wanting to hide", or days I am in REAL physical pain, well, they will happen and I guess it is going to have to be one day at a time. But one verse that I have claimed this week is I can do ALL things thru Christ that strengthens me. So that must mean this too. Do I believe that verse? As my feet hit the floor in the morning the one thing I do first is say that verse and say okay....it is you and me, lets go together. Thank you for today. Never forget to just be thankful for today. I have a lot of hurts from my past to deal with, and a lot that God and I have to work on together in me, but the Lord is working in me and I am slowly learning to forgive myself for this. I was on a destructive path. It was not going to go well. I could have run to other things like alcohol, or gone to the street and there were times at first I thought of that, but I thought of my kids, the encouragement I received from my doc g, and I also thought of what my salvation meant to me and it brought me to the cross.
I crave the meds everyday so it is a challenge I don't want to put that lightly, but I am taking the wobbly baby steps I need to move. I have chosen my path and I don't change my mind. Well unless it is about my clothes. Which by the way.....no more pj's everyday. I get dressed! I got my hair done for first time since brain surgery last April. It is time for change. Time to wake up!!!! Time to LIVE! Time to learn to sing or well find my voice again. Been awhile since I have sang.....it is time. God gave me that gift!!! Wheelchair, cane, walker, orthotic shoes or braces....does not matter, not too much use of right arm....well that is hard since I am right handed, BUT STILL.....TIME TO LIVE ANYWAY!!!!!!! Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you thus saith the Lord.
He's still workin' on me, to make me what I oughta be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun, the moon, and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and faithful He must be... cause He's still workin' on me... He's still workin' on me... He's STILL workin' on me...
ReplyDeleteHE'S NOT DONE YET!
(Learned that one year I taught a very young pre-school Sunday School Class... never forgot it)! :-)