Values

My values. What do I value most in my life? I cherish my children and I see that also as the greatest need to improve and where I have failed the most.  I have not been the example or the mom they have needed.  I have let my selfish desires, my insecurities, my past haunt me to the point where I could not be the mom I needed to be and now, what do I do. Time to start really working hard on that area, searching the scripture, and really working hard to talk to them, and spend time with them, and teach them even thru pain, I can be a good mom.  Good health, I took that for granted and God showed me that guess what, I am taking it from you in some ways, now live with these reminders that health should never be taken for granted. So, here I am 4 years later still learning. To think.....what damage was all the meds doing on my body??  When I sat and apologized to Doc G that day I did not even realize the impact of his words on that this would be a life long journey and that with meds, anytime I am faced with these same meds I will have to be strong, because it will be easy to relapse. He was not kidding with the life long on any part but I dont know if he realized how much that statement would be realized!!! He told me this would be hard, but I could do it but......Holy cow! Some days I leave IOP feeling like I have been run over by a train going 100 mph.  But that is good. Then I have to think.  Do I want to stay in the vicious cycle I allowed or do I want to gain back the values of self respect, the values that I deserve to be loved so that I can love my children the way they deserve to be loved or am I just going to go thru this class and forget everything????  Lots of questions.....but I know the answer.  I must hold to the faith I know to be true....the faith that if God can forgive me and love me as I am, somehow I have to learn to forgive myself even if that takes time, and then I have to make changes and move forward. I am trying. There were a lot of things I have done I am not proud of in my last several years or past because of my addictions, and now they must stop.  ALL of them.  Any relationships that aide them, gone. Any people who won't support me, well, then they have to be gone too. This is my time to stand up and make the change I need.  The one thing I value most is learning to be the woman and mom that I can be, whether I am permanently disabled or not....I still have so much left to give even in a relationship, a good healthy one, I finally realize I deserve one.  What stands in my way, is myself, if I don't daily keep my focus on christ and draw on his strength and if allow my selfish insecurities of my past addictions to stay in my mind instead.