Jan 31, 2012 AM

So, after a night of sleep, a time of reflection this is what I come to realize. First and foremost I want to clarify this.....when I started the blogs at the beginning of the year I never thought they would go in a journal or personal from the heart life experience way.  I never thought I would share the way I do. Maybe it is easier this way in some regards.  I hate speaking in public.....sitting in an office talking about how I feel, just plain yuck! I hate it.  Many of the choices I have made over the years even thru college were made because I looked outward, my anorexia or alcohol in college years, my shopping addiction, had to have just the right amount of everything.....like two of each, or things have to match just so, patterns, my patterns so guess you could say obsessive compulsive but even with now my battle with my health and all the surgeries I have had, what may have started out as a chemical dependency on meds turned into a mental escape for me and that is even harder to combat because now what addiction do you turn to? OR do I truly start looking inward and start facing the real issues? See, I am not perfect. I look at those around me and in fact after church sunday it was so hard......I could not take it that is how I ended up just well messing up.....I went home and felt like I had been there and everyone else is perfect and I was not. Rough. We talked about relationships last night....they asked about what I would change about myself....and I had to say do you mean what I think I need to change or what others would say.  See it is often about perception. How we feel.  I am really working on fighting that inward desire to look at myself inside and hate what I see.....because there is more there, I was beat down for a long time not just by myself but by others....especially men and now I need to see the beauty others see and God sees. Not easy.  If someone told me I was ugly....I could believe that.  But if someone told me I was beautiful I would be like do you need glasses. Seriously. I am like in a chair or else w some walking device....ya....not your typical 39 year old.  But that is the outward!!!!!  So, how to make the outward thought process start to look and see how I am in inside.  What does God see in me?  Obviously he has not given up on me.  Do I have enough within myself to grab onto that and take hold of that faith and not give up too?  How can I forgive myself when I mess up? How do I find myself beautiful? Not talking outward....but inward? Anyone can smile.....but do people realize how many times my heart did not match it cause it just wanted to cry.  Right now, I am emotional. They say that is part of things too. They say everything gets easier.....ugh!  So, right now spiritually I want to be able to say I can take and consistently look inward at what God sees instead of outward and grow in faith realizing I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT NOR WILL ANYONE.  I need to be comfortable being around people right now though too....and that is hard. Not everyone knows what is going on...but some do.  Emotionally, I need to continue to have help with my therapists cause the cravings to hide myself, the cravings to run, find ways to hide are soooooooooo there and if not meds than find a way! Physically, God is the ultimate healer and I need to realize that I am only going to be as physically strong as he allows for it is for his purpose he has me this way but also because of how long I was on these meds than I also need to realize it is going to take time to see how I really am pain wise because the amounts, the dosages, were so masking things now we have to kind of let my body adjust but let me tell you ..... it hurts! So here it is. Open and honest.....