Friday, January 20, 2012
Journal Entry....1/20/12 from my heart
What is inside my heart? For four years I have bottled up so many emotions, so many different thoughts that I hid and hid well, secrets. Mine. Now, my heart is so open, vulnerable, and just plain filled with hurt, anger, frustration, confusion and just so many overwhelming thoughts. Thoughts of what do I do now. Where do I go from here? I feel like someone handed me something new and I am so overwhelmed....but what happened is I was forced to have to deal with all the thoughts and emotions that I hid so well for so long. A big plateful. I am scared, worried, and now I am just not sure the steps from here. Everyone says "one day at a time". That is often easier said than done. Baby steps is more like it. I am like I am just trying to hold it together....be brave enough to do that! Brave enough to say that I can face just today. See, strength is not always easy when you have depleted all you have to just live already with a hidden "broken" heart. Now, over the last two weeks, I think the pain of what is inside so outweighs the physical pain I have. I am just learning that I can be brave. I just forgot how. When I saved that Christmas tree as it fell in Jan of 08, I guess you could say it took my heart when it took my career. I loved taking care of the elderly. I loved being an LNA I was good at it. 6 surgeries on my ankles later, brain surgery, still lots of pain, and being told by my neurologist you are permanently disabled, well I guess at 39 it kinda takes the wind out of the sail and almost like takes life out of the heart. I guess I gave up. Now, I have to be brave enough to start living again. Start living life to the best I can. I may have some permanent disability but I dont have to stop living anymore. I see that now. I let meds mask that. Thought that was the answer. It's not. I am scared. I have no idea what I can do or what God will lead me to do, but it is time I find out. Time to let go of the anger, the hurt, the fear and not let that one moment that has already stole 4 years steal anymore of my life. This is how I feel ....... today.
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It's hard to stay on top Brenda. In 20 more years there will be different circumstances bringing you to different emotional areas in your life. It's not easy but God is ALWAYS there and praise God we can talk to Him. I wish you were not in pain. I see Glen's frustration being permanently disabled. (I suppose his could go away) but he is forever frustrated that he can't be normal - of course in a different way. He can at least walk and go where he wants (though he doesn't). It's good you write. One of the recent interests of mine is simply taking in the day...just the day itself without any circumstances upsetting my mind....the air, the beauty, the ski, trees, so on. We forget about all that sometimes. (I do - always thinking about this problem or that-or something) You have already made a difference to others by your testimony and honesty. You are open and truthful mostly in expressing where you are at. I will write more later...probably didn't make any sense anyways...love you.
ReplyDeleteBrenda, I like you and appreciate you much more this way, open, vulnerable, but so much more honest. I can be more honest with you when you are this way, the way that God intended you to be.
ReplyDeleteRemember how you've told people, (our children in particular, "You're special!"? Well, don't you think their mom is special, too? And their dad?
We are all flawed people, that is the way we were made. We were made to seek God to make us whole, and He can - and WILL - make us whole, when we let go of ourselves and our own agendas. Seems like that is the direction you are moving in your life. Let God take you there. It is only frightening, perhaps, at first. But as you trust God more and more in your life, you'll see that there is absolutely no other place you'd rather be, and then "all fear is gone".