Jan 31, 2012 AM

So, after a night of sleep, a time of reflection this is what I come to realize. First and foremost I want to clarify this.....when I started the blogs at the beginning of the year I never thought they would go in a journal or personal from the heart life experience way.  I never thought I would share the way I do. Maybe it is easier this way in some regards.  I hate speaking in public.....sitting in an office talking about how I feel, just plain yuck! I hate it.  Many of the choices I have made over the years even thru college were made because I looked outward, my anorexia or alcohol in college years, my shopping addiction, had to have just the right amount of everything.....like two of each, or things have to match just so, patterns, my patterns so guess you could say obsessive compulsive but even with now my battle with my health and all the surgeries I have had, what may have started out as a chemical dependency on meds turned into a mental escape for me and that is even harder to combat because now what addiction do you turn to? OR do I truly start looking inward and start facing the real issues? See, I am not perfect. I look at those around me and in fact after church sunday it was so hard......I could not take it that is how I ended up just well messing up.....I went home and felt like I had been there and everyone else is perfect and I was not. Rough. We talked about relationships last night....they asked about what I would change about myself....and I had to say do you mean what I think I need to change or what others would say.  See it is often about perception. How we feel.  I am really working on fighting that inward desire to look at myself inside and hate what I see.....because there is more there, I was beat down for a long time not just by myself but by others....especially men and now I need to see the beauty others see and God sees. Not easy.  If someone told me I was ugly....I could believe that.  But if someone told me I was beautiful I would be like do you need glasses. Seriously. I am like in a chair or else w some walking device....ya....not your typical 39 year old.  But that is the outward!!!!!  So, how to make the outward thought process start to look and see how I am in inside.  What does God see in me?  Obviously he has not given up on me.  Do I have enough within myself to grab onto that and take hold of that faith and not give up too?  How can I forgive myself when I mess up? How do I find myself beautiful? Not talking outward....but inward? Anyone can smile.....but do people realize how many times my heart did not match it cause it just wanted to cry.  Right now, I am emotional. They say that is part of things too. They say everything gets easier.....ugh!  So, right now spiritually I want to be able to say I can take and consistently look inward at what God sees instead of outward and grow in faith realizing I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT NOR WILL ANYONE.  I need to be comfortable being around people right now though too....and that is hard. Not everyone knows what is going on...but some do.  Emotionally, I need to continue to have help with my therapists cause the cravings to hide myself, the cravings to run, find ways to hide are soooooooooo there and if not meds than find a way! Physically, God is the ultimate healer and I need to realize that I am only going to be as physically strong as he allows for it is for his purpose he has me this way but also because of how long I was on these meds than I also need to realize it is going to take time to see how I really am pain wise because the amounts, the dosages, were so masking things now we have to kind of let my body adjust but let me tell you ..... it hurts! So here it is. Open and honest.....

Jan 30 2012

Boy, IOP was hard today. Hate talking about relationships. They are not easy. Never have been. Also hard cause I know I messed up this weekend, my test results showed that. Physical pain, mental pain they are both tough. I think I have come to agree that physical pain is not worth with the narcotics, yet my body still is physically dependent on them, frankly, so is my mind. The battle is not easy but I will win in the end.  I know what I want the end result to be. The questions posed tonight truly made me think and made me think long and hard.  I think the hardest thing tonight is when we had to go around the room and say how we were feeling today and why and then what our test results are today and all. So frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I was doing so good and I got in so much pain and was mentally frustrated that I let go.......now, as they reminded me tomorrow is a new day just like today was. They are not sure what withdrawal meds still to start me on based on my case and my health, but they did prescribe a med for another issue.  Life always has challenges and has ups and downs like I am going to. Someone once told me it will be a lifelong battle and they were right. Tonight I was told that if I can make the 30 day mark I will be doing good.  The hard part is if I can eat, or sleep well......so that is the hope.....that part of withdrawal will go too.  I am trusting God in this ...... and I know he forgives even my slip ups.....now to learn to forgive myself and to learn to respect myself enough that I know I am worth something to this world....to my relationships.  Ya......so this is my feelings today.......and my physical pain is just frustrating....wish I could use my right arm right. So frustrating! Gonna have to make call to my ortho doc too.....trying not to be a pain!

Baby steps 1/27/12-1/29/12

This journey I have started to take is going to be long.  It will be hard.  It will not happen overnight. I am going forward. Taking my baby steps one days at a time.  There are times in the day that I barely make it thru the day without thinking about how I can hide and not have to face things. So I guess you could say I make a slow forward but it is forward. I am learning along my journey that I began to hide somehow behind my disability in the last few years.  I should have used it to grow from, but instead I ran, hid in a shell and locked my fears, my feelings of failures, of worries ..... just everything became closed and locked up. I found my escape.  I have to force myself right now to talk to people.  I rather be alone, and all by myself which is kind of not me, but I am overwhelmed by my feelings. I know many of my friends wonder how fast I can recover, but this will not be a quick recovery, this will take time.  I have a lot I kept hidden.  One thing I could say in advice is never hide how you feel.  Talk about it to someone.  Don't use things to hide how you feel.  My journey is mine alone.  No one can walk it for me.  I have to take it.  I have to walk it.  I know I neurologically will not be perfectly right for the rest of my life.   My right side seems to be the one affected most.  How am I going to deal with it?  I do not want to be like I am.  One thing though is hiding how you feel only causes more harm then good, I know that now.  I know too that I want to be the best I can be and there is more life left for me but my hiding is how I lost out on living.  I was asked friday by my PCP why I decided to finally get help.....I did not want to keep living like this.  I want to live.  I just need to figure out how now...what I can do.  I will always miss being an LNA because face it.....I loved being one and I was great at it, but there is still more left for me to be great at it....guess I just got scared.  I also too do not want to lose the respect of her, my family, my friends, I mean I had already stopped respecting myself, but I especially did not want to lose the respect, trust of the one doctor who for the last several years has meant more to me than he will ever know because of his care for me thru the years, and his concern for me for the road I was going.....it was that final push that just, I could not stay like I was. It was time for me to get help, to admit what was going on. See, I have a lot of doctors and specialists but he is the one doctor who knows me best, who has sat with me and we have had those open and honest talks, and basically you could say he "has my back" and I trust him more than any other doctor because of the relationship we have established over the years.  Now, I am on the hardest journey of my life and believe me it is one that I am not taking lightly. But I go forward....one day at a time, and the steps may seem wobbly and as baby steps at first, but if I am going forward, then I know I am going in the right direction.

What is my heart's foundation? 1/23/12

There are many times in life we find ourselves "broken" or stripped of all the walls, roof, nails and all that we might have built up so that we could be protected, where we allowed only windows so only glimpses of our heart could show.  A fake smile is easy to have, showing everything is okay. Sometimes God uses small things to break us, and sometimes he uses great big things.  Over the last few weeks, with what I am going thru, God has used it to break down the walls, taking away every wall I can hide behind and now I have to figure out how to deal with things. Means I have to be open about how I feel, how I hurt, and as I read in my Bible yesterday, all I could do was cling to the one foundation I know so well and that is God's grace, his mercy.  His forgiveness.  Like a parent with a child when they have done something wrong or you know something is bothering them but they are hiding, but you know it and you are just waiting for them to come to you, that is how it was for me.  God just wanted me to lay all my worries, my fears, my cares with him at the cross.  It does not mean I don't have them it just means I no longer carry them alone. My hiding how I felt about my disability and the frustration of all the feet surgeries, brain surgery, and just not getting as strong as I wanted, and not being able to live like I thought was best, or a "39" yr old should, just led to my problems, my hidden pain, issues.  But, my foundation was there, my heart may be in pieces with all the walls down, but this way ..... God can put me back together again.  I do not have to carry this alone and I can still be beautiful for God....no matter how I am........

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma, 
I am sorry. Please forgive me.  I became an LNA because of you, because you had faith that I would make a great one and I loved being one and I was so good at it. But trying to catch the Christmas tree in 08 I fell, and now I can no longer do that.  I have spent four years putting up walls, sheltering my heart, finding ways to protect me so that no one could hurt me cause I was hurting myself, and now I feel like I am letting you down even more cause I kinda gave up on life and you never gave up on anything.....you fought til you took your last breath!  You taught me to love football, thru your fear of thunderstorms I learned to love them!  Grandma, I am so thankful that I got to spend some of my college years with you. I carry your spirit with me always and hopefully will pass it on to my kids. I am sorry I gave up for a while on life, on allowing that deep living that I needed to find.....to still find me and realize my beauty inside.  Whatever I do from here on out Grandma, I carry your memories daily, your spirit as a part of me, and I will always care for those around me still even though I can no longer do it as I did, but in your honor I will do what I can.  I love you Grandma, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck! 


God can you please tell my Grandma that I love her and I am sorry.


Love Brenda

my teardrops--1/21/12

Softly falling down my cheeks as I read the sweet words of encouragement from my brother and my sister. There are days that tears are all I can give. Lord, if this is something that I need to go thru so that I can help someone else than Lord give me the strength, grace, wisdom and courage to face the road ahead. This is not what I intended for my life.  I had so many dreams, so many hopes.  I had a voice, a voice to sing.  Somewhere along the path, I lost it.  I forgot how to use it, forgot that God gave me my voice. I have no idea where to go from here, but tears seem to be the only thing that come.  Forgiveness.  How do I forgive myself?  I know God has forgiven me but I knew better, I knew the path I was going and yet, I wanted to keep hiding and just keep smiling to all and pretend I was okay, but life now forcing me to face things, and I am but it is a slow climb and it will take time....and honestly, no one knew I hurt.  I told no one until now. Now, I am trying to get my story out. Share my heart. Over the next few weeks and months I am beginning a journey...call it a lifelong long changing journey. I have to dig deep into the heart I so buried when I fell and let it break, a heart no doctor could fix, only God can. I need to just take this time and let love fill that part of life again. I have to take all these tears I am crying, and just pour them over into a river that flows out so far that I can feel life again, see that life is worth living even if I am slightly disabled. As I share my journal entries each day I hope that they will make a difference to someone and my prayer is that I will find my voice....the heart behind it so that I can once again sing that melody that flowed from inside me.

Jeremiah 29:11

Journal Entry....1/20/12 from my heart

What is inside my heart? For four years I have bottled up so many emotions, so many different thoughts that I hid and hid well, secrets.  Mine.  Now, my heart is so open, vulnerable, and just plain filled with hurt, anger, frustration, confusion and just so many overwhelming thoughts.  Thoughts of what do I do now.  Where do I go from here?  I feel like someone handed me something new and I am so overwhelmed....but what happened is I was forced to have to deal with all the thoughts and emotions that I hid so well for so long.  A big plateful.  I am scared, worried, and now I am just not sure the steps from here.  Everyone says "one day at a time". That is often easier said than done. Baby steps is more like it. I am like I am just trying to hold it together....be brave enough to do that! Brave enough to say that I can face just today. See, strength is not always easy when you have depleted all you have to just live already with a hidden "broken" heart. Now, over the last two weeks, I think the pain of what is inside so outweighs the physical pain I have.  I am just learning that I can be brave.  I just forgot how.  When I saved that Christmas tree as it fell in Jan of 08, I guess you could say it took my heart when it took my career.  I loved taking care of the elderly.  I loved being an LNA I was good at it.  6 surgeries on my ankles later, brain surgery, still lots of pain, and being told by my neurologist you are permanently disabled, well I guess at 39 it kinda takes the wind out of the sail and almost like takes life out of the heart.  I guess I gave up. Now, I have to be brave enough to start living again.  Start living life to the best I can.  I may have some permanent disability but I dont have to stop living anymore.  I see that now.  I let meds mask that.  Thought that was the answer.  It's not.  I am scared.  I have no idea what I can do or what God will lead me to do, but it is time I find out. Time to let go of the anger, the hurt, the fear and not let that one moment that has already stole 4 years steal anymore of my life. This is how I feel ....... today.

Conquoring my Goliath

What do you do when you feel like David and there is a huge Goliath or giant ahead of you and the road is so long? The mountain so high!!  I sought you Lord in my tears and in my breaking. Lord it sometimes takes a "breaking" to sometimes be able to face that Goliath or mountain. Sometimes, it even takes the precious hand of a friend just saying, I will be there for you, but it is time to face what you have been hiding for so long and just be honest.  I did not realize had found my crutch or my addiction.  They are easy to have in life. They come in all kinds of fashions.  I found my way to hide. I had been made to feel like that is the way to live.  Today is day 6 into my "saying out loud" I had a problem. I had a situation I needed to deal with.  Dealing with physical pain is one thing but when that pain infects inside, then the hurt goes deeper.  How can God heal the hurt in me though I keep thinking thru all my tears that I had been burying with various ways? I hid things so well! No one ever knew how I felt or how well I could hide my pain. Well, at least that is what I thought. Sometimes we have to go thru things in our lives though that bring us to the point where we learn to lean completely on God and to let go of our will and realize that God has better and bigger plans for us if we trust him and lean on him. Sometimes though, when we are not strong enough on our own and we have not realized how important it may be to cry out to God even daily, then it is so easy to get lost. For me, it will take me taking my life and taking steps one day at a time.  It does take a daily surrendering to God, to do what I can to not stay in pattern I have been in.  I will have to learn to focus on new ways to deal with all kinds of things. I have nothing but work ahead of me. I can do it. I had lost the dreams I once had for my life.  I lost dreams I had as a woman, a mom, and now I have to find them again. I look at things now and sometimes I am scared, almost terrified. I have no strength on my own. I think what if when all is said and done no one likes who I am now.  I cannot be the LNA I was, I cannot be that strong woman anymore. She is gone. Disabled. But that is where I have to stop thinking that way.  I can still do so much more if I allow my mind to stop thinking that way.  I have to find the strength to pull myself up from the "fall" and face the fall of pieces of my heart, my "who I am".  So today on day 6, my goal is just to take my day step by step and stop looking at what I need to do, or what I am facing and feeling overwhelmed. God, today I need you to be my peace, my strength and my whole strength.  Help me to stop looking at this journey in such a way that I am feeling fear of any kind.  Help me just to get thru today. Help me conquer this Goliath in my life in a way that I can grow and be stronger as a person and that I will learn from it. Take my hand Lord as this week truly starts my path to getting where I need to be.

An unexpected journey: A little bump in the Road

An unexpected journey: A little bump in the Road: What do you do when you have a bump in the road? How do you handle it? Is there a time that you have to just let go and let God do the work...

An unexpected journey: What If? How can I ever be used to take care of pe...

An unexpected journey: What If? How can I ever be used to take care of pe...: Last night the world saw another year in. Although so many speculate this is the last year, no one really knows. The fact is, no person is...

An apology

An apology is more than words, words without empty meaning. An apology is not easy to say. But there are times in life that you have to say one. An apology that might make a difference in ones life.  That is what I had to do yesterday.  I broke someone's trust in me.  I was so ashamed that I had wronged this person, did this, they knew my situation and I kept avoiding them so not to have to say anything and finally this week I not only had to come to terms with some things myself, I knew I had to face them and in person, not by letter or call but in person say an apology.  Although they said none was necessary, to me, it was.  It was a part of healing for me. A part of my admitting I had to face what I had come to terms with. The apology, came with tears, came with true repentance and admittance but also came with admittance to a plan on how I was going to make my life stronger again.  I got nothing back but positive from that person.  They never lost respect for me.  I gave them honesty, and in return because I did not run which I love to do honestly, I hate confrontation.....even facing those little "inner" ones, but I got straight care, and respect back and encouragement .  Never neglect to give an apology when you know one is due.  They can make a difference in so many ways.  Although, there may be times this person may be a little more cautious with some aspects of their trust in me, I know they will trust me and in time all I can do is take things one day at a time, moment by moment and make sure to take God along for each and every step.

A little bump in the Road

What do you do when you have a bump in the road? How do you handle it?  Is there a time that you have to just let go and let God do the work for you?  So many times we often seek counsel from men instead of going to the great physician, going to his word, getting on our knees and saying Lord, I need you.  Four words....Lord I need you.  Sometimes they are so hard to say. When times get tough they are words we don't want to say because it means admitting we need someone other than ourselves to handle the problem.  I recently found myself admitting I had a problem.  I chose to avoid the situation instead of facing it.  I hid it and then to find out, I had a bump in my road.  Then Psalm 37 came to mind.  I often think of just what I would do, or what my plans are.  What my steps would be.  I like the road I choose.  The poem written by Robert Frost that says the "road less traveled by....." well as Christians, do you take the road less traveled by and just trust God with your road, your life, your plans for your life?  Not just way in the future but even in the small details of life that you may think are not worth his time he wants to know about.  He wants to know your heart.  Your desires. Even the little ones.

My road is not always easy.  I am so stubborn.  Strong willed.  Independent.  Impatient.  There is a pattern there.  The pattern is I am not relying on Christ each day if I allow those traits to be what guide my road.  I must daily ask Christ to guide me, lead me and protect me.  See some of those traits like independent, and strong willed can be great if I yield them to Christ.  But if I am using them in my own strength than all is lost and my path often falters.  What we cannot see as God can is the path ahead.  Last week, I found out to top off all else that was going on I had a broken bone in my left foot.  So, that makes things even more fun.  I knew better than to ignore the fall I took but I chose not to say anything and now, I have compounded my road.  A bump.  But that is my reminder that I should have kept my focus, and I should have said something and I also should have been obedient to what I am capable of doing on my own.  God has a plan for everything in life.  A plan for my physical abilities, a plan for my future, a plan for how I parent my children.  But when I take things from his hands, that is when bumps occur.  But I also know how loving God is.  See the day I fell I knew I should not have been climbing up to reach something so when I twisted in kitchen I fell.  I was disobedient.  I should have asked for help.  I also know that not saying anything for days did not help, despite my blinding pain. 

The lesson, do we have to get to blinding pain to always realize God's plan in our lives or can we accept it and face it sooner?  One major thing it says in Psalm 37 is to commit our ways to him, then later in the Psalm it says the steps of the man are established by the Lord, and it also says he has never left us hungry, or begging for bread. That means not just for food but for wisdom.  As we get older we realize that God is always there even at times when it is darkest and we think that he has somehow forgotten us and pain is so deep and blinding and it seems that the bump in the road is so hard.  But God is our deliver and he will never forsake us.  That is when we have to put the our seat belt on, hold onto the wheel and let God steer.  The bumps will always come and go, but God is always there.

What If? How can I ever be used to take care of people now?

Last night the world saw another year in.  Although so many speculate this is the last year, no one really knows.  The fact is, no person is guaranteed another breath.  So why waste the time on things that matter not.  There are so many days I would wonder because of my health if I closed my eyes, went to sleep, would I wake.  So I celebrate life, a new day everyday.  What if God said this is it, this year, this moment is the last.  How would I want to be found in the way I celebrate life? How would I want to be found in the way I celebrate my Lord?

I recently read something on a sign that read, "You must not lose one moment of time-For you have not one to spare".  Now, that is so true.  I live that everyday.  I know each day for me is often a struggle, and can sometimes be hard but I treasure each moment no matter how much the struggle.  It is often in those struggles that I realize how much I am learning, how much I see and know God is there and is at work if I trust him, if I have faith in him and if I let go of the reigns and allow him to be the control pilot of my life. That also goes in sharing the gospel.  When I look back in the past year or so of my life that is where I see the biggest thing I regret.  God has taught me so much thru the course of his changing my life in doing basically a 180 degree turn with being an LNA one day and the next day becoming well....what would one day lead to being disabled.  The past 4 years have taught me so much about myself, about God and his love, grace, forgiveness, acceptance.  I know he has wanted me to share so much of his lessons and I have yet to do so in a more public way or in a way that maybe I could make a difference or help someone else and if what I am going thru can make a difference in anyone's life than I need to start sharing.  I need to begin not wasting that one moment.

I for a long time thought I could not ever help anyone again, or be of use to anyone anymore since I could no longer do the one thing I loved which was take care of people, specifically the elderly.  God taught me so I was so wrong.  So maybe by starting this blog and sharing my heart, I can help others, take care of their "heart".  See, life itself teaches us daily lessons but we have to be open to them, open to letting our hearts feel and yes sometimes that means even being a little vulnerable.  Cherish even those moments.  God will give the strength you need to get thru them if you turn to him.  That is often hard to think about though when you are going thru things or situations.  So many times I am filled with tears and pain my eyes are blinded.  But I know God sees that pain and my tears...he has counted every tear drop and his arms are there to hold me, surround me....it is sometimes my own will that keeps me out of those arms.  Sometimes it is hard to let go, and let someone else have control...even of the hard times.  But thats what God our loving Father wants to do.  He wants nothing more than to be there for us not just in the bad times but in the good times too.   Thank God for the good times, and even thank him for the bad.  He never allows them unless he has a purpose and an intention behind them.  God has also shown me one of the greatest ways I can still take care of people is by caring about their inner being....their heart.  The best way to do that is by being willing to give your heart away.  Question is...are you willing to share your heart and give it away??  Take care of others that way too??  That is such an awesome way to take care of someone.......by sharing your heart and taking care of them that way.

So my goal from henceforth is to share in this blog a little of my life with those in my life and those they feel led to share it with.  I will try to do a recap of the last 4 years as it is crucial to understand just a little of who I am.  I am exactly the way God made me.  I often heard it told well you are the way you are because of your sin.  Well, it might be thru some of my choices that maybe some of my circumstances may be "harder", but God already knew that I was going to be just the way I am as it is he who made me.....and there is that little old chorus we sing that says....."He is still working on me to make me what I ought to be....it took him just a week to make a moon and the stars, the sun and the earth, jupiter and mars how loving and patient he must be cause he's still working on me".  Now that is patience!  I know I must try his patience....I tried my parents all the time, but he never gives up on us!  Sometimes our friends will, sometimes even family will turn away from us, but never will God!  So, as you read my journal entries, know they are from my heart, and are my life experiences.  I pray they will be a blessing to you.