Jan 30 2012

Boy, IOP was hard today. Hate talking about relationships. They are not easy. Never have been. Also hard cause I know I messed up this weekend, my test results showed that. Physical pain, mental pain they are both tough. I think I have come to agree that physical pain is not worth with the narcotics, yet my body still is physically dependent on them, frankly, so is my mind. The battle is not easy but I will win in the end.  I know what I want the end result to be. The questions posed tonight truly made me think and made me think long and hard.  I think the hardest thing tonight is when we had to go around the room and say how we were feeling today and why and then what our test results are today and all. So frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I was doing so good and I got in so much pain and was mentally frustrated that I let go.......now, as they reminded me tomorrow is a new day just like today was. They are not sure what withdrawal meds still to start me on based on my case and my health, but they did prescribe a med for another issue.  Life always has challenges and has ups and downs like I am going to. Someone once told me it will be a lifelong battle and they were right. Tonight I was told that if I can make the 30 day mark I will be doing good.  The hard part is if I can eat, or sleep well......so that is the hope.....that part of withdrawal will go too.  I am trusting God in this ...... and I know he forgives even my slip ups.....now to learn to forgive myself and to learn to respect myself enough that I know I am worth something to this world....to my relationships.  Ya......so this is my feelings today.......and my physical pain is just frustrating....wish I could use my right arm right. So frustrating! Gonna have to make call to my ortho doc too.....trying not to be a pain!